Indian – Warrior Princess

So what does it mean to me?

My brain was on superdrive! Was my demise imminent? How long did I have on this earth plane? Was it going to quick/undignified? How do I break the news to my loved ones? What about my dogs? What about estate, living will, advanced directives, funeral planning and related expenses? What about work, paycheck and insurance? Questions galore!

Ironically, a strange tranquility descended upon me and my fears of dying just abated! My only concern was for my parents regarding how would they handle their own child’s passing. I knew I had to be strong for them! But why was I so composed given that I had struggled with the dying and funeral process in the past? What changed? Was I still stumped or did I finally accept the inevitable? All I can say is that for the first time in my life, I felt alive, A-Ok, content, free, liberated, peaceful and protected! Whatever the outcome I knew I had the wisdom, teachings and strength of my Sikh faith, gurus and other eastern traditions, where we were taught that death is a natural part of living and a inevitable law of nature (where we all must return to our creator some day), however, the soul does not die but aspires to be released from the cycle of rebirth (which we Sikhs called ‘Mukti’, Hindus call ‘Moksha’, and Buddhists call ‘Nirvana’). Its based on the principle that human birth is the highest form of birth, and unlike animals, we humans know the difference between right and wrong, so we can improve upon our ‘Karmas’ and gain transcendence from death and rebirth cycle.

So, in knowing finality of life is really no new news – think how many beings will not wake up from sleep tomorrow? how about the flu deaths gripping the nation? or the Russian air crash that took place today? Some had no chance to say goodbyes, put their lives in order or have a chance to live a more meaningful life! So getting this golden chance to overcome my pride/ego, desires, material pursuits, possessions, etc., and learning deeper love, compassion, contentment, and connections, and commitment to living a more vibrant, noble, thoughtful, richer and spiritual life is my plan to honor this blessing and protection by the Divine.

Here We Go Again..

January 18, 2018, will ever be seeded in my memory. That day the phone call from my primary care physician (who is also a personal friend), was interesting. I am used to him being goofy but that day his voice, his concern, his care was discerning and dead give away that something was wrong and the news was not good one. I told him to lay it out to me straight! He shared that the MRI results were in and that my cancer had returned but in my spine! I asked what does that mean? He said “not good”. What about the prognosis, I asked? “I am so so sorry. I am so so sorry” he responded! Although stunned, I wasn’t surprised (I wonder why, I will have to think of it some more), but at that moment, I started to feel his devastation and despair as though he had failed me in some way.

Almost immediately he worked with my oncologists to order a battery of tests including CT scan, bone scan, more lab draw, etc., and I went and saw my oncologist on 1/26. He shared that because its now considered chronic/palliative, the treatment will be somewhat different that before. Although bone biopsy was conducted, he was 100% positive that it was breast cancer of the spine! He did share that this (breast cancer) perhaps is the best cancer to have given the amount of progress that has been made in this area of research, and how people are able to live a long and meaningful life even with it. His treatment plan which he shared with me was interdisciplinary, which included consultations with neurosurgery (to assess spinal cord impact as the lumbar/thoracic location was an area of concern), radiation oncology, dentist, etc. along with ordering CT guided bone biopsy, more lab for hormone markers, continuation of steroids, etc. The preliminary treatment plan was to start me on Tamoxifen and once a month (this plan is pending and awaiting bone biopsy diagnosis confirmation). My oncologist is a thoughtful man and very thorough in his planning and execution, I know I am in good hands!

Next, my sweet boss came into play. She is a sweetheart and the best boss that I have ever had – she is effective with a great heart and soul! I am so very grateful to have her as a blessing in my life at this stage especially. Thank you Sandy! Being a manager in the healthcare field and a physical therapist by training, she knew to get me in touch with one of the finest neurosurgeon she knew. Not only did this neurosurgeon personally contact me but thanks to in network electronic medical records (EMR), he was able to dial down my fear of spinal cord impact and said it looked good and was going to message my oncologist to commence treatment immediately. My appointment with him for further evaluation in on 2/28.

Next met with radiation oncologist consult on 2/1/18, who was another sweetheart and who once again went over the tests. Based on her assessment, my history of breast cancer, and neurosurgeons consult for starting treatment immediately, she too was confident that treatment can be commenced immediately (without need of definitive bone biopsy diagnosis). I started my10-day radiation treatment this week! Day 5 today and am feeling stronger already.

Celebrating Life…

This is blog is intended to be a celebration of life despite it’s ups and downs. Who said life needed to be static! Like a roller coaster, sometimes you are on the top and sometimes in the bottom, but always moving!

We all deal with something sometimes, whether physical, mental or emotional. What matters is how you choose to deal with life’s various challenges! I know my metastatic breast cancer journey will not be easy but hopefully this blog will help inspire, build awareness, and exchange information.